Kris Harris: Unleash you’re fitness animal – Longmont Times-Call

Posted: July 31, 2017 at 1:47 am

Kris Harris St. Vrain Valley Voices

I read a story in the Times-Call on July 2 regarding the "Mother Ranch" north of Longmont providing goat yoga classes. People participate in a yoga class while baby goats crawl on them, play with their hair or just act precious, as you'd expect from tiny goats. This got me to thinking outside the corral. "What other exercise/healing therapies could incorporate animals to maximize our experiences?" The following might be less cuddly and nurturing than goat yoga. Please consult with a physician to determine if you're fit enough to participate and be prepared to sign numerous activity waivers.

Potbellied pig core lifting: Five pens contain these cute little hamlets. You'll compete against others in the class to complete the five core exercises lifting the pigs who get progressively heavier with each advance to the next pen. With no handles like kettle balls to grasp, you'll have to figure out how to "pull the pork" and complete the circuit with these fine swine.

TaiChi with cobras: This strength and flexibility program requires slow controlled movements with consistent rhythmic breathing. A few king cobras have been strategically placed around the room with their handler (whose been bitten only a few times) nearby. Sudden movements can alarm the snakes and they will absolutely strike if you're talking on a cell phone. Ha ha, just kidding. I meant to say they'll strike if you're texting.

Boa constrictor fat wrap reduction: Looking to take a little off the tum-tum? Lop off some lard? This fairly safe procedure is taking the back alleys of Beijing by storm. "Huggy" the Boa is a sweetheart, very docile and his handler, Lefty (whose been bitten only a few times, losing just a pinky finger) are ready to help make a slimmer you a reality. Pricing is very reasonable and based on number of inches you want to lose. Please keep properly hydrated prior to this procedure as having a 100 pound snake wrapped around your torso can cause you to lose water weight along with other bodily contents.

Relocate and radiate prairie dog triathlon: Prairie Dog extermination is viewed publicly as unsavory and too final. Ask many in private and they'll anxiously propose a hunt or a solution for utilizing M80s left over from the Fourth of July. This event can serve as a community service and help solve the cost of relocation. Competitors will pick up a captured prairie dog and miniature life raft at Union Reservoir prior to the start of the swimming leg. The PDs must make it safely to shore with their human competitor after the swim leg. Competitors transition to their bikes for the ride to Boulder. Each bike is retrofitted with a PD sized "hamster wheel." Imagine the sight of competitors peddling furiously on their bikes while their PD buddies are also spinning their little hearts out. Once in Boulder, the competitors transition to the run to Rocky Flats with PDs secured in a mini-mesh backpack. With the finish line in sight the participants complete the grueling race with their little race mates. Medals are passed out, pictures taken and the PDs are fitted for custom made Geiger counter collars before being released basking in the glow of their new Rocky Flats digs.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Kris Harris: Unleash you're fitness animal - Longmont Times-Call

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